November 2009 Newsletter Article
Stress and the Holidays
The holiday season, which begins for most Americans with Thanksgiving and continues through New Year's Day, often brings unwelcome guests — stress and depression. And it's no wonder! As you attempt to pull off the perfect holiday, you might find yourself facing a dizzying array of demands — parties, shopping, financing, baking, cleaning and entertaining, just to name a few. So much for peace and joy, right?
According to the American Institute of Stress, more than 110 million Americans take medication for stress related causes each week. When the holidays come along, people who already have a predisposition to stress can find themselves feeling blue and more stressed out than usual. So why do the holidays stress us out? How does a time where we are inundated with images of peace, love and harmony and songs about joy, good feelings and family togetherness leave us feeling frazzled, stressed and sad? Below are 10 potential triggers for the holiday blues.
CAUSE #1: Social and Personal Expectations
Social expectations are a huge source of stress for many people. The truth is the holiday season is not a happy time for everyone, and not everyone feels in a partying mood all the time. Yet just about everyone feels compelled to look and feel merry during the holidays. This is a form of social pressure that can be very stressful, especially if you happen to be in an emotional down cycle at the time.
Oftentimes we can bring this pressure upon ourselves. It is very easy for people to believe something is wrong with them if they don't feel merry or if they aren't in a celebratory mood, especially when they perceive everyone around them is. This allows us to become angry and frustrated when our own expectations of how the holidays are "supposed to be celebrated" don't get realized. Watch out for these and other unrealistic expectations. They're a common cause of holiday stress for many, many people.
CAUSE #2: Too Many Responsibilities
Be careful during the holidays not to over commit yourself. Don't take on more than you can comfortably handle, and stop trying to be Superman or Superwoman by doing it all yourself. But don't just assume that family members or other people will help you out with added responsibilities, unless you discuss this with them first and get their agreement (which isn’t always an easy thing and can cause a lot of stress within itself). Just remember: scheduling too many responsibilities, parties, too many extra activities, and too many family obligations can put a big strain not just on you, but on your family as well and can make the holidays a lot less enjoyable.
CAUSE #3: Trying To Change Or Control Other People
This can be a big one for people. The fact of the matter is the only person we have control over is ourselves. When people don't behave as we want during the holidays (as well as other times of the year) we often set out to change or control their behavior. When we fail to accomplish this goal we end up feeling angry and frustrated. The answer to this is simple: don’t try to control others. Within reason, grant others permission to celebrate the holidays any way they choose. Even grant them permission not to celebrate the holidays, if that's what they want – remember, holidays aren’t always a happy occasion for people. On the same note, don’t let anyone tell you how to celebrate the holidays.
CAUSE #4: Unpleasant Memories
Many people have bad memories of past holiday seasons. Under these circumstances, it's not uncommon for negative memories to resurface during the holidays. This can be very hard since it's generally assumed that everyone should feel "good" or "happy" at this time of year (see Cause #1). Even positive memories of past holiday seasons can be stressful. If you're not having a good time now, and you compare your present experiences to how you felt in previous years, you can end up feeling worse.
In addition, dealing with grief can certainly make the holidays a very difficult experience. I can speak to this one personally as I have experienced holidays while taking care of a terminally ill loved one, and have also experienced holidays with loved ones no longer there. Ultimately I needed to take extra care of myself and realize it was ok not to want to celebrate that year and it was ok that it wasn’t a happy time for my family and I.
CAUSE #5: Unpleasant Emotions And Other Body Reactions
Even when negative memories don't surface consciously, their emotional and physical counterparts can often be felt. This too can be stressful, since you might wonder why you're feeling "down" or "depressed" when there's no apparent reason. This can make dealing with the holidays all the more stressful and confusing.
CAUSE #6: Blaming Yourself Or Others When Things Go Wrong
Oftentimes when things go wrong, an automatic response is to look around for someone or something else to blame. When this happens, these automatic assessments can turn out to be inaccurate. The holidays present many opportunities for things to go wrong. This can trigger our automatic pattern of blame, causing more stress on ourselves and our loved ones than necessary.
Watch out for this insidious cause of stress, not just during the holidays, but all year long as well.
CAUSE #7: Failing To Anticipate Likely Problems And Delays
Another common cause of stress during the holidays is failing to anticipate likely problems and delays. During most of the year, this pattern comes into play when we schedule our daily activities too closely, when we don't anticipate certain problems and plan contingencies for them, or when we don't allow enough time to travel between destinations or important meetings.
During the holidays, this pattern centers around letting things go until the very last minute. Since thousands of other people do the same, an enormous wave of last-minute shoppers usually pours out to flood all the roads, malls, and shopping centers. Many of these last-minute shoppers return home feeling angry, frustrated, and totally exhausted from fighting all the crowds. But if they had anticipated this likely problem--and avoided it by shopping earlier or during less busy hours--much of this holiday stress could have been eliminated.
Also, letting things go until the last minute puts added pressure on you (and other people) to get more done in any given day. This added stress could also be avoided by simply accomplishing just a few tasks every day, over a longer period of time. While this is easier said than done, if you tend to fall into this category than planning ahead to avoid it this year can save you a lot of anxiety and stress (and perhaps money as well).
CAUSE #8: Using Food, Drugs, Or Alcohol To Cope With Stress
During stressful times, many people turn to food, drugs, alcohol, or other chemical substances to cope with their stress. These coping strategies remain very popular for one important reason—they work short term. However they aren’t a coping strategy and can cause serious problems such as car accidents, family blow-ups, injuries at work, etc.
The problem with these coping strategies during the holidays is that typically wherever you go, food and alcoholic beverages will be plentiful, and you'll be encouraged to partake of them in large quantities. What a great way to have fun and deal with your stress at the same time. Right?
Wrong. If you're suffering from increased stress levels during the holidays, don't turn to food, drink, or drugs for relief. Not only will these lead to weight gain, headaches and perhaps intoxication, more importantly, they will shield you from learning how to deal with the deeper causes of your problems. As a result, you'll end up in the same boat again, needing to rely upon these substances every future holiday season. Force yourself to find other strategies. The knowledge you'll gain by doing this will be very useful to you for many years to come.
CAUSE #9: Expecting Things To Go Well
Expecting things to always go well, or always go as you planned, during the holidays (or any time of year) is an excellent way to end up feeling stressed. As a newlywed who just went through the stress of planning a big event, I had people repeatedly give me the advice “something will most likely go wrong – and don’t let it bother you, as you will probably be the only one to notice”. Come my wedding day as we were lining up to go down the aisle, we realized in the rush of getting to the church my Dad’s tuxedo jacket was left behind. We had to delay the ceremony 15 minutes while someone ran home to get his jacket (mind you it was the hottest day in August and I knew everyone was sweltering in the non-air conditioned church). However I realized at that moment there was literally nothing I could do but realize I would be laughing about this down the road. Turns out the violist ended up playing a wonderful melody of songs for the guests to listen to, which they really enjoyed.
Adopt the attitude that no matter how things might go, you will make the best of what happens. You can find creative ways to deal with unexpected situations or events, and at the very least, it does help knowing you will be laughing about it down the road.
CAUSE #10: Expecting Others To Behave As You Prefer
Expecting others to behave as you prefer during the holidays is another sure fire way to end up feeling stressed. Please avoid this. And if you do catch yourself trying to fulfill this unrealistic goal, stop yourself immediately. Always remind yourself that your own opinions, attitudes, and "rules" for celebrating the holidays might not be shared by other individuals, just as others shouldn’t be imposed upon you.
I got this “top ten causes of stress during the holidays” list from Dr. Morton C. Orman, M.D. Of course, these aren't the only causes of stress at this time of year, but if you understand these ten causes and learn to deal with them well, you will be well equipped to handle other causes.
There are many other factors that could have a hand in making the holidays stressful – a recent death, recent separation or divorce, a serious accident that has left someone very hurt, or financial strain to name a few. Whatever may be stressing you out this holiday season, don't let the holidays become something you dread. Instead, take steps to prevent the stress and depression that can descend during the holidays. Acknowledge your feelings, reach out to people if you need to, be realistic about your expectations and feelings for the holidays, stick to a budget and plan ahead. Above all else, remember to take care of yourself. Take a breather when you need to, don’t overwhelm yourself or take on responsibility, and stick to your healthy habits.
Most importantly, understand that massage can help – if you begin to feel overwhelmed, stressed, or just plain sad, schedule yourself a treatment. Massage can be a powerful tool in keeping you on track this holiday season.